Asylum seeker speaks out

The asylum seeker whose success sparked a scandal in DailyMailLand has decided to set the record straight. Andrew Anthony – a former Observer columnist – spoke of his relief at being given asylum in DailyMailLand, claiming that life in the people's republic of Guardianista (PRG) had become unbearable and he genuinely feared for his safety.

Mr Anthony claimed that since renouncing his left wing roots and becoming critical of political correctness – the ruling ideology of the PRG –he had faced increasing persecution. He described how, after writing an article urging the PRG to build more prisons and toughen divorce laws, he was attacked with organic horse manure whilst jogging one morning. He went on to describe how bloggers continually 'fisked' his observer columns and his children were encouraged to read black women's poetry at school. The final straw came a month ago when he was asked by the Observer to attend diversity training after attacking the dress sense of a younger colleague. Relieved to be granted asylum, he described his ordeal in an exclusive interview:

"It was sheer hell, I thought that by staying I could influence the direction of Chairperson Toynbee. I thought we could have an interventionist foreign policy, and adopt a third way between the capitalism of the US and Social democracy of Scandanavia. However the left has never forgiven me for attacking the stop the war coalition years ago. It seems the disputes of the past are still alive in the PRG. Eventually I just had to leave"

Mr Anthony was supported in his claims by DailyMailLand home secretary Sir Andrew Green:

"What we have here isn't your usual sob story about torture, police brutality and rape that asylum seekers usually concoct with their lawyers. Instead we have a genuine and harrowing case of a man being harassed for standing up to political correctness. In these circumstances we felt Mr Anthony's claim for asylum should be granted."

The home secretary went on to reassure citizens of DailyMailLand:

"This is truly a one off, and the country is not going to be flooded. It is a condition of Asylum that the applicant obtains work in a job nobody else wants, integrates with the local culture and allows his communications to be tapped at all times in case he spreads extremist views. I can assure our citizens that Mr Anthony will not be another Abu Hamza – in fact he has lined up a job as a fashion consultant for men, has started collecting porcelain figurines of the late Princess Diana and has written a blog demanding that young offenders be spanked in public if they swear in school."

Mr Green's comments went down well on the talk shows, with callers seemingly re-assured that at least the new citizen was going to make a contribution. However one critic warned that several fellow 'decents' may soon be joining Andrew Anthony in fleeing from the PRG, noting that the left has never really tolerated their behaviour over the Iraq war.