Asylum seeker speaks out

The asylum seeker whose success sparked a scandal in DailyMailLand has decided to set the record straight. Andrew Anthony – a former Observer columnist – spoke of his relief at being given asylum in DailyMailLand, claiming that life in the people's republic of Guardianista (PRG) had become unbearable and he genuinely feared for his safety.

Mr Anthony claimed that since renouncing his left wing roots and becoming critical of political correctness – the ruling ideology of the PRG –he had faced increasing persecution. He described how, after writing an article urging the PRG to build more prisons and toughen divorce laws, he was attacked with organic horse manure whilst jogging one morning. He went on to describe how bloggers continually 'fisked' his observer columns and his children were encouraged to read black women's poetry at school. The final straw came a month ago when he was asked by the Observer to attend diversity training after attacking the dress sense of a younger colleague. Relieved to be granted asylum, he described his ordeal in an exclusive interview:

"It was sheer hell, I thought that by staying I could influence the direction of Chairperson Toynbee. I thought we could have an interventionist foreign policy, and adopt a third way between the capitalism of the US and Social democracy of Scandanavia. However the left has never forgiven me for attacking the stop the war coalition years ago. It seems the disputes of the past are still alive in the PRG. Eventually I just had to leave"

Mr Anthony was supported in his claims by DailyMailLand home secretary Sir Andrew Green:

"What we have here isn't your usual sob story about torture, police brutality and rape that asylum seekers usually concoct with their lawyers. Instead we have a genuine and harrowing case of a man being harassed for standing up to political correctness. In these circumstances we felt Mr Anthony's claim for asylum should be granted."

The home secretary went on to reassure citizens of DailyMailLand:

"This is truly a one off, and the country is not going to be flooded. It is a condition of Asylum that the applicant obtains work in a job nobody else wants, integrates with the local culture and allows his communications to be tapped at all times in case he spreads extremist views. I can assure our citizens that Mr Anthony will not be another Abu Hamza – in fact he has lined up a job as a fashion consultant for men, has started collecting porcelain figurines of the late Princess Diana and has written a blog demanding that young offenders be spanked in public if they swear in school."

Mr Green's comments went down well on the talk shows, with callers seemingly re-assured that at least the new citizen was going to make a contribution. However one critic warned that several fellow 'decents' may soon be joining Andrew Anthony in fleeing from the PRG, noting that the left has never really tolerated their behaviour over the Iraq war.

Anger as man given asylum

Radio talk shows in DailyMailLand went berserk last night as it emerged that the government had given political asylum to somebody. The news broke when the official immigration statistics were released, showing that of the 10,000 people who applied for political asylum, 1 was given refugee status - an increase on the previous year. Callers to 'speaking sensible' the nations favourite radio show labelled the decision as 'political correctness gone mad' and worried about the children.

However the government defended the decision, pointing out that the man had a genuine case for asylum. In a written statement, the government explained the reasons why his claim had been granted: it pointed out that the man was white and had a record of questioning left wing politics. It also pointed out that he was in genuine fear of persecution for his political beliefs. The statement added that the man himself was considering speaking publicly to allay the genuine fears of the populace, and promise that he wouldn't steal their jobs.

However this was not good enough for many of the callers, who demanded to know why the government was going soft on immigration.

Immigration was one of the key differences that led to the divorce of Britain, and the different policies adopted by DailyMailLand and the Peoples Republic of Guardianista (PRG) make for an interesting comparison. Upon gaining independence DailyMailLand adopted a zero immigration approach and doubled spending on border security. The police were given the power to demand to see passports from people speaking a different language or possessing non white skin. Those who couldn't show a British passport were deported to a country of their choice. Official statistics show at least half a million people were deported in the year following this tough new approach, although there was a minor scandal when Police deported a Geordie after confusing his accent with a foreign language.

On the other hand the PRG adopted a liberal immigration policy, and immediately granted an amnesty to existing immigrants. Economists believe that this decision kept the labour market going and narrowly avoided a severe shortage of manual workers.